Weed Sanctuary 101: How to Annoy Your Garden Guru Neighbour, the Uncle Bobby Way!
Dear Uncle Bobby –
My neighbor keeps giving me unsolicited gardening advice. They’re always peeking over the fence to “suggest” how I should plant flowers or prune bushes, but here’s the thing — I’m perfectly happy with my patch of weeds. It’s low-maintenance, eco-friendly, and I think it gives my yard character. How do I get them to mind their own garden?Proud of My Patch
Ah, the nosy neighbor turned gardening guru. Nothing says “I have too much time on my hands” like someone who can’t let your glorious weed jungle thrive in peace. Proud, I admire your commitment to the “wild and free” landscaping style. Who needs flowers when you’ve got a yard that screams, “I refuse to conform to society’s expectations of greenery”?
Now, how do you deal with your neighbor’s endless “advice”? I say double down on the chaos. Turn your patch of weeds into a full-blown artistic statement. Get a sign that says “Certified Weed Sanctuary” and stake it proudly in the middle of your yard. If they try to comment, tell them you’re protecting the environment — because weeds are basically just misunderstood wildflowers, right?
Better yet, lean into the aesthetic. Add a rusty wheelbarrow, a couple of mismatched gnomes, and maybe a bathtub-turned-planter for maximum confusion. If they ask what you’re doing, say it’s “avant-garde garden design” and throw in a few big words like “biodiversity” and “rewilding.” They’ll either back off or start Googling ways to get on your level.
If they still don’t take the hint, start giving them advice. Walk over to their perfectly manicured garden and suggest they let a few dandelions grow — “for the pollinators, of course.” Or ask if their roses are feeling emotionally supported. Nothing throws off a know-it-all like being out-knowed.
And let’s be real: a patch of weeds is the ultimate power move. While they’re out there sweating over mulch and fertilizer, you’re inside watching TV with your feet up, knowing your yard is thriving in its own scrappy way. You’re not lazy — you’re efficient. And if they can’t see that, well, that’s their loss.
So, Proud, keep rocking your patch of weeds with pride. Tell your neighbor it’s not a garden, it’s a lifestyle. And remember: the only thing better than a yard full of weeds is the peace of mind that comes from not caring what anyone else thinks. Let them prune — you’ve got lounging to do!
– Uncle Bobby