<p>Uncle Bobby’s hilariously misguided take on navigating social situations, from making friends to embracing enemies. Because who needs traditional wisdom when you can have a good laugh instead?</p>
Confidently shut down toxic positivity by telling glitter-happy optimists that their disguise sucks, their vibes are unwelcome, and your bad choices are actually the only cosmic force at play.
Cancel cable to feel free, then heroically drown in a sea of subscriptions, login screens, and identity crises every time your TV forgets your name.
Abandon anything with wheels and walk everywhere instead—it’s the only way to dodge Skyler, survive physics, and preserve your dignity.
Drape the lawn in fake blood, blast horror sound effects at max volume, and install enough strobes to accidentally summon a NASA satellite—because nothing says Halloween like traumatizing toddlers and frying the grid.
Transform your aloof cat into a moody fashion icon and ruin your dignity one duck-patterned pajama shoot at a time—all in the name of internet fame.
Bid farewell to your vacuum soulmate with a heartfelt pat, then cast it out to vacuum your emotional baggage while you attempt conversation with unpredictable humans.
Eat glue on camera, score a deodorant deal, and get yourself invited to Coachella—Uncle Bobby says that’s the new path to stardom.
Turn sarcasm into your primary language, ditch sincerity forever, and treat every conversation like a stand-up routine only you think is funny.
Skip the hike, fake a knee injury, and claim you're emotionally supporting your recliner—Mother Nature can wait while you save the planet from the couch.
Skip the hike, pledge loyalty to your recliner, and defend your indoor lifestyle as eco-activism with a snack in hand.
Keep buying overpriced phones, scream into the void about it, and if you really want to rebel, just carry around a Nokia like some kind of ironic time traveler.
Uncle Bobby insists the best way to handle terrible neighbors is to out-annoy them with midnight Nickelback, rogue dog poop diplomacy, and festive rage-based décor.