Tiny House Madness: How to Survive Love, Zoom Calls, and Walls Closing In Without Losing It
Uncle Bobby, I’ve been thinking about joining the tiny house movement. It seems like a great way to save money, live simply, and be more eco-friendly. But is it really all it’s cracked up to be?
Claustrophobically Yours,
Narrow Livingstone
Oh, absolutely. If your lifelong dream has been to live inside what is essentially an air-conditioned shoebox with plumbing, then the tiny house movement is your personal Graceland.
They’ll tell you it’s all about “freedom” — financial freedom, environmental freedom, spiritual freedom. But here’s the truth: you’re trading one set of problems for a new set, and now they’re within arm’s reach at all times. The good news? You’ll save a ton of money on furniture. The bad news? That’s because there’s no room for it.
You want privacy? Too bad. In a tiny house, there is no privacy. Every conversation is a public meeting. Every bodily function is a group activity. If you so much as sneeze, it echoes off every wall and rattles the composting toilet. You can’t even slam a door to make a dramatic exit — you’ll just pivot in place and glare.
And let’s talk about “cozy.” That’s realtor code for “You can’t open the fridge and the oven at the same time without triggering a chain reaction that knocks over your only chair.” You’ll spend all day playing Tetris with your own possessions, moving one thing to reach another like you’re living in a storage unit that forgot to charge you rent.
Oh, and entertaining? Sure, if you think it’s fun to watch your guests sit cross-legged on the loft bed because there’s literally nowhere else to put them. Hosting Thanksgiving in a tiny house means serving turkey on a cutting board while your uncle’s elbow is in the mashed potatoes.
But hey — you’ll save the planet, right? Nothing says “eco-conscious” like congratulating yourself for living small while ordering takeout every night because cooking requires dismantling your entire kitchen.
So yeah, tiny houses are perfect… if you love minimalism, open-floor plans, and hearing your partner chew from across the room for the rest of your natural life.
My advice? If you want financial freedom, just buy a normal-sized house in a cheaper town. That way you can stretch your legs, breathe freely, and, most importantly, shut a door every now and then.
Because privacy isn’t a luxury — it’s the last thread keeping you from going full Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
– Uncle Bobby