Stone Age Sanity Disconnect to (Really) Connect
Uncle Bobby, I’m sick of all the drama online — the endless news, the fake experts, the people arguing over sandwich condiments. Wouldn’t life be better if we all just unplugged completely?
Flint Rockwell
Better? Oh, sweetheart, it would be perfect. You think I’m kidding, but I’ve been saying it for years — the cure for every modern problem is to cut the cord, smash the router, and roll straight back into the Stone Age like a tech-hating caveman with trust issues.
Think about it: no more doomscrolling until 2 a.m. No more waking up to 47 “urgent” emails from people whose definition of urgent is “I can’t find the PDF I lost in 2018.”
Sure, you’ll have to give up Google Maps and go back to folding paper road atlases the size of a picnic blanket. And yes, you’ll need to send handwritten letters that arrive three weeks after the issue you were mad about stopped mattering. But that’s just charm, baby.
Wanna post a selfie? Sorry — you’re gonna have to paint your own self-portrait on a cave wall. Need a recipe? Too bad. Hope you like whatever can be cooked over an open fire by a man in a bear-skin loincloth.
And before you say, “But Uncle Bobby, what about my job?” — well, guess what? You’re a hunter-gatherer now. Your new boss is the weather, and your benefits package is “not freezing to death in January.”
Would this fix all our problems? Absolutely. We’d finally stop comparing ourselves to influencers on private jets, because we’d be too busy trying to keep wolves out of the pantry. We’d have real conversations again — mostly about which berries won’t kill us. And when someone annoyed us, we could just grunt and walk to another cave instead of typing a 400-comment thread about it.
So yes, cut the internet. Smash the phone. Live by torchlight. And when you’re sitting there in the dark, gnawing on roasted squirrel and staring at the stars, you can thank me — because sure, you’ve lost access to Netflix… but you’ve also lost access to everyone’s terrible opinions.
And that, my friend, is progress.
— Uncle Bobby