Surviving Pollen Season: Uncle Bobbys Snarky Guide to Outlasting Springs Yellow Plague
Uncle Bobby –
Every spring, my car turns from blue to yellow overnight, and I can't step outside without sneezing five times. Is there any way to survive this pollen apocalypse?
Sneezily yours,,
Sneezin’ and Wheezin'
Oh, Sneezin', bless your seasonal little heart. You thought spring was about hope and renewal. No, sugar. Spring is just nature coughing directly into your face for six straight weeks. That fine yellow dust coating your car? That’s not pollen—it's Mother Nature’s revenge for you skipping Earth Day back in ‘97. It covers everything: your house, your porch, your soul. It’s like living inside a powdered donut made of regret. And don’t think you can outrun it. You park in a garage? It sneaks in. You close the windows? It materializes. You wear a mask? It laughs at your feeble attempt. This stuff is like glitter's evil twin: once it’s out, you’ll still be finding it on your steering wheel in October. Now, there are two kinds of people during pollen season: The optimists who wipe down their car every morning like they’re winning the war. And the realists who just give up and write "WASH ME" in the dust with their finger. Uncle Bobby’s advice? Lean into it. Stop fighting. Park under the worst tree you can find. Let the pollen pile up until your car is so camouflaged it’s legally part of the landscape. If anyone questions you, just say, “Oh, that’s my nature-based eco-wrap. Very trendy.” As for the sneezing? Treat it like a springtime workout: Five sneezes = one core ab exercise. Six sneezes = bonus cardio. Seventeen sneezes in a meeting? That’s dominance. You’re not sick, you're blooming, baby. And don’t waste money on expensive allergy remedies. Uncle Bobby’s cure is simple: Stay inside. Build a pillow fort. Only emerge for barbecue and emergencies. Otherwise, just accept that your head is now a pressurized pollen chamber, and your eyeballs are officially made of sadness. So chin up, Sneezin'. Pollen season only lasts a few short months. Then we move straight into hurricane season, mosquito season, and “Why Is It Still 90 Degrees In October” season. Spring: it’s not a season—it's a boot camp for your immune system.
– Uncle Bobby