Naming a Child: Your Recipe for Resentment and Therapy, by Uncle Bobby
Uncle Bobby –
My partner and I are expecting our first child, and we can’t agree on a name. They want something unique, like “Moonbeam” or “Zepplin,” and I’m leaning toward something more traditional, like “Emily” or “James.” How do we pick a name without starting World War III?
Baffled by Baby Names
Ah, the timeless struggle of naming a child — because apparently, choosing the one thing that will haunt your kid for the rest of their life isn’t stressful enough. Congratulations, Baffled! You’re about to bring a tiny human into the world who will one day resent whatever name you saddle them with. But don’t worry, you’re not alone. Every parent faces this dilemma, and half of them end up flipping a coin while the other half end up in therapy.
Let’s talk about your options here. On one hand, you’ve got your partner’s idea of “unique” names. Moonbeam? Zepplin? That’s not a baby name, Baffled, that’s a midlife crisis in word form. Sure, it sounds fun now, but fast forward 30 years and picture your kid trying to introduce themselves at a job interview. “Hi, I’m Moonbeam, I’m here to apply for the CFO position.” Yeah, that’ll go over well.
I get it — you want something classic like “Emily” or “James,” because who wouldn’t want their child to sound like they stepped out of an 1800s novel? But here’s the thing: they’ll also share that name with approximately 47 kids in their kindergarten class, which means they’ll spend their entire childhood being known as “Emily C.” or “James with the glasses.”
So, what’s the solution? Well, as a responsible adult who gives only the best advice, I say this: compromise! Pick a name that’s a delightful blend of both worlds. How about “James Zepplin” or “Emily Moonbeam”? Now your kid can be both the CEO and the person who spends weekends at drum circles — all bases covered!
Or, you could go the route of not naming the baby at all. Just let them pick their own name when they’re old enough. Sure, you’ll have to call them “Baby” for a few years, but hey, it worked for that guy in Dirty Dancing, right?
So in summary, Baffled, the real answer is to choose whatever name causes the least amount of future therapy bills — or just flip a coin and blame the outcome on fate. Either way, your kid’s going to grow up resenting you for more than just their name. Welcome to parenthood!
– Uncle Bobby