Surviving the Aftermath: Uncle Bobbys Tongue-in-Cheek Guide to Post-Memorial Day Recovery
Dear Uncle Bobby, Memorial Day weekend is over and I feel like I just went through a full-blown natural disaster. I'm sunburned, bloated, and emotionally hollow. Why does a long weekend always end with me needing another one just to recover?
Surviving on SPF 100 and Regret,,
Crispy and Depleted
Oh, Crispy, bless your aloe-slathered little soul. You thought a long weekend would recharge your batteries. Turns out, all it did was melt them. Let’s take inventory:
- You’re sunburned in patches that defy the laws of geometry.
- Your fridge is 80% leftover sides you no longer recognize.
- And your house still smells vaguely like charcoal, citronella, and disappointment.
The “quick beach trip” turned into six hours of gridlock, one lost flip-flop, and a frisbee to the face. You ate something called “Patriotic Pudding Surprise” and now you’ve got a mild case of regret and red dye #40 poisoning.
The cooler hasn’t been emptied. The lawn chairs are still in the back of your car. And your uncle’s foam koozie somehow fused to the dashboard overnight.
Uncle Bobby’s advice? Do absolutely nothing today. Tell people you’re “working remotely” — which is code for sitting in stretchy pants, staring out the window, and quietly reassessing your life choices.
Let that leftover coleslaw ferment in peace. Let the sunburn peel. Let the grill go cold and the tiki torches stand as smoky monuments to a weekend that started with ambition and ended in emotional triage. And if anyone asks how your holiday was, just stare into the middle distance and say, “We made it.”
Because that’s what Memorial Day Weekend is really about: Not rest. Not leisure. Not freedom. Survival.
You did it, Crispy. Now go hydrate, put aloe on places you didn’t know could burn, and pray your neighbors don’t plan anything for the 4th of July.
– Uncle Bobby