Brace Yourselves, Locals: Uncle Bobbys Amusingly Bitter Guide to Memorial Day Weekend

Dear Uncle Bobby, Why do tourists descend on our beaches every holiday weekend like they’ve never seen water before? Traffic’s already a nightmare, everything’s crowded, and I just saw someone try to put up a beach tent in the middle of a roundabout.

Oceanically Overwhelmed,,
Locals on the Edge

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Oh, Locals, bless your sunburnt patience. It’s Memorial Day Weekend Eve, and the invasion has begun. Tourists have arrived — confused, determined, and armed with zero spatial awareness. You can spot them instantly:

• Driving 15 mph in the left lane with an out-of-state tag and a “Salt Life” sticker they bought four exits ago.
• Walking straight into traffic because “Google Maps said turn left here.”

Now don’t get me wrong — we appreciate their money. We do. But they treat the Panhandle like it’s a mix between a Disney ride and a Jimmy Buffett fever dream. You’ll see:

• A full family reunion trying to fit under one umbrella like they’re reenacting the Oregon Trail.
• Someone grilling ribs out of their trunk in the Publix parking lot.
• And that one guy who brought a paddleboard, three coolers, a generator, and forgot his actual children.

And every single one of them will ask you the same three questions:

1. “Is this where the beach is?”
2. “Where can I get fresh seafood that’s not too fishy?”
3. “Why is traffic so bad this weekend?”
4. (As if they didn’t personally bring the traffic with them.)

Uncle Bobby’s advice? Hide. - Stock up today. - Avoid Highway 98 like it’s been cursed. - And under no circumstances should you attempt to “just swing by” the beach this weekend unless you brought a time machine and a helicopter. You’ve survived spring break, snowbird season, and Fourth of July weekends past. This is just the preseason. Brace yourself.

– Uncle Bobby