Uncle Bobbys Snarky Guide to Surviving Graduation Gift Extortion

Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve started getting all these high school graduation party invites. Some are from close friends, others are from people I barely know—or haven’t spoken to since 2009. Am I really supposed to attend all these? And do I have to bring a gift every time?

Gradually Declining in Popularity,,
Gift or Guilt

Oh, Gift or Guilt, bless your overwhelmed little mailbox. You thought these invites were celebrations? No, sugar. Graduation parties are a socially sanctioned extortion scheme with cake. Let’s be real. Half these invites aren’t about you showing up. They’re about you showing up with a card that makes the cash register noise when opened. And don’t think you’re off the hook just because you barely know the kid. You sat next to Cheryl from HR at a potluck once in 2017? Congratulations, you’re now expected to celebrate her nephew’s big day and bring a $25 gift card to Chili’s. And heaven forbid you skip one… You’ll hear about it at the grocery store. Or worse—on Facebook. “So grateful for everyone who came to support my baby!” Which is code for: “You know who you are, and you should feel bad.” Uncle Bobby’s advice? Strategic attendance. - Close family? Go. Hug the graduate. Smile big. Eat the meatballs. - Distant coworker’s cousin? Mail a card. Sign it “So proud of you!” and toss in exactly $17 in cash so it looks accidental and deeply personal. And for the ones you absolutely don’t want to attend? Fake a scheduling conflict. Say, “Oh no, we’re going to be out of town for my great-aunt’s foot surgery.” Nobody questions a vague medical excuse. At the end of the day, Gift or Guilt, just remember: These parties aren’t about celebrating the graduate. They’re about silently ranking which relatives are generous and which ones brought homemade trail mix in a ziplock bag. Show up if you want. But show up with a card. And if nothing else—at least go for the free punch and the uncomfortable slideshow.

– Uncle Bobby