No-Mow May: Uncle Bobbys Defiant Guide to Outsmarting Your Lawn-snobs Neighbors
Dear Uncle Bobby, Lately my neighbors have been acting like lawn police. If my grass gets even a little shaggy, I get the looks... or worse, “friendly advice.” Do I really need to care this much about mowing or should I just let it go?
Yours in Hairy Horticulture,,
Judged by the Joneses
Oh, Judged, bless your overgrown little patch of nature. You thought your yard was your business? Not in May, sugar. In May, your lawn is the neighborhood scoreboard. Once the weather warms up, folks turn into competitive botanists. The guy across the street? He’s out there cutting his grass twice a week at sunset so the stripes line up like a PGA fairway. The lady next door? Already fertilized, aerated, and talking about "optimal blade height" like she’s running a lab at NASA. Meanwhile you? You just want to sit on the porch and enjoy your life without the HOA forming a search party because your St. Augustine looks “fatigued.” Uncle Bobby’s advice? Stop resisting — embrace your role. If you’re gonna let it grow, let it GROW. - Let those weeds bloom. - Let the dandelions thrive. Tell folks you’re “supporting the bees.” - Let the grass get tall enough that neighborhood kids start rumors about it being haunted. And if anyone says a word? Smile real big and say, “Oh, I’m doing No-Mow May. It’s ecological. You wouldn’t understand.” (That’s right — make laziness sound virtuous.) Because deep down, Judged, the people judging your lawn aren’t mad at your grass. They’re mad that they spent all weekend mowing, trimming, and edging — and you didn’t. So kick back. Let them mow in 95-degree heat while you sip sweet tea and watch nature do its thing. Tall grass is temporary. Smug neighbor regret lasts forever.
– Uncle Bobby