Is Going Smartless a Social Death Sentence
Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve been thinking about ditching my smartphone and going back to a simpler life. No apps, no notifications, no constant scrolling. Just peace, quiet, and maybe even reading a book again. Do you think it’s worth it?
Smartless Stan
Oh Stan, bless your analog-loving heart. You want to ditch your smartphone? That’s adorable. That’s not simplifying your life – that’s signing up for voluntary social exile. In 2025, not having a smartphone doesn’t make you enlightened; it makes you that guy who holds up the Starbucks line because he can’t pull up a QR code.
And trust me, I feel your pain. I just dropped over $800 on a new phone after spending $1,200 on one last year – and this is my third in four years. And it’s not like I’m reckless with them either. I don’t drop them, I don’t crack screens, I baby these things like they’re made of spun glass and angel tears. But apparently, these shiny pocket leashes are designed to self-destruct faster than a Mission Impossible tape.
Back in the late 90s and early 2000s, we had industrial-grade Nokias that could survive a nuclear blast and still get a signal. You could drop one off a roof, use it as a hammer, fish it out of the toilet – still worked. The battery lasted a week. Snake was the only app we needed. Now? My $1,200 supercomputer throws a tantrum if I dare open Spotify and Maps at the same time.
And let’s not forget – every new model swears it’s “revolutionary.” Translation: they moved a button, gave it a fancier camera, and found a new way to empty your wallet. But sure, Stan, throw it away. Walk proudly into social suicide. Friends won’t text you back. Restaurants will glare when you ask for a paper menu. Airline gates will look at you like a caveman when you try to board without a digital pass.
My advice? Don’t ditch the phone. Make it work for you. Keep buying the overpriced glass bricks, scream into the void every time you pay the bill, and remind yourself that the tech companies have us exactly where they want us. Or, if you must rebel, dig your old Nokia out of the junk drawer and carry it around as a statement piece. People will think you’re eccentric, not enlightened – but hey, at least you’ll still have Snake.
Because in the end, Stan, ditching your smartphone doesn’t make you free. It just makes you the only guy at the cookout who can’t Venmo for pizza.
– Uncle Bobby