When Good Neighbors Go Bad: A How-To Guide
Dear Uncle Bobby, I keep finding myself annoyed with the people on my street. Between the barking dogs, the late-night parties, and someone “forgetting” to bring their trash cans in for three days, it feels like I live in a sitcom called Everybody Hates Everybody. Is this just what being a neighbor is like?
Overly Neighborly
Oh, Neighborly, bless your HOA-hardened heart. You’re not living in a sitcom — you’re living in a live-action cautionary tale called How Not to Be a Human. And the worst part? Half your neighbors think they’re nailing it.
See, there’s a secret joy some folks get from being terrible neighbors. They don’t see it as inconsiderate. No, they think of it as “community flavor.”
Want to be the loud one? Easy. Just crank up your Bluetooth speaker at 1 a.m. with a playlist titled Hits That Sound Better With Police Involvement. Don’t worry if it’s a Tuesday – the world deserves to hear your cousin’s band covering Nickelback until the sun comes up.
Dog owner? Perfect. Walk that beast past every yard and let it leave democracy-sized deposits in the grass. When someone calls you out, gasp dramatically and say, “I didn’t bring a bag, but nature will handle it.” Newsflash: nature does not compost poodle.
Trash day? Why stop at one? Leave those cans out like permanent yard art. Nothing says curb appeal like a line of bins rolling down the street in a thunderstorm, scattering fast-food wrappers like confetti.
And for extra credit? Start a DIY project with power tools at dawn on a Sunday. Bonus points if it involves a leaf blower and zero visible leaves.
Uncle Bobby’s advice? Don’t try to change them. Lean into the satire. Picture every bad neighbor move as an instructional video in “How to Lose Friends and Annoy People.” Because at the end of the day, you’ve only got two options: invest in blackout curtains and noise-canceling headphones, or get so good at being passive-aggressive that your Christmas lights spell out “STOP PARKING IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.”
Because here’s the truth: community isn’t built on block parties and bake sales. It’s built on mutual resentment and silent judgment. And if you can’t laugh at it… well, then you’re just going to cry into your HOA fees.
– Uncle Bobby