Fighting Scammers? Thats Community Service
Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve been getting nonstop calls from scammers — you know, “Your car warranty is expiring,” “We’re with the IRS,” “Your cousin is in a Thai prison,” the usual. Lately I’ve been fighting back by wasting their time, giving fake info, and generally messing with them. Is it wrong that I’m starting to enjoy it?
Tortured-By-Trolls,
Morally Conflicted but Petty
Wrong? Son, that’s not wrong — that’s community service. If we handed out medals for blocking scam calls with sheer pettiness, you’d be standing on a podium right now holding a bouquet and crying during the anthem.
Look, scamming scammers is one of the last great American pastimes. Baseball’s fading, bowling’s expensive, and congress can’t be trusted with anything — but messing with a scammer? That’s the people’s sport.
But sure, let’s talk “ethics,” because everyone suddenly wants to take the moral high ground while the rest of us are busy trying not to get our identities stolen by someone named “Officer Dave” calling from a basement in New Jersey pretending to represent the United Nations.
Here’s the ethical breakdown, Uncle Bobby style:
1. They Started It.
If someone cold-calls you demanding your Social Security number, they’ve forfeited all access to the moral universe. They’re not in the ethics game — they’re in the “let’s steal grandma’s retirement” game. Your job is simple: be the plot twist they never asked for.
2. You’re Not Scamming — You’re Performing Public Mischief.
You’re not stealing money. You’re stealing time. And those are two very different commandments. "Thou shalt not steal" never mentioned tying up a scammer for 45 minutes while pretending to be an elderly alpaca farmer named Doris who keeps misplacing her glasses.
3. Revenge Builds Character.
You can’t meditate your way to inner peace, but you can tell a scammer you’re very interested in extending the warranty on your horse-drawn carriage. Same effect.
4. This Is the Only Time in Life You Get to Lie Without Consequence.
Scammers expect you to be scared. Flip the script. Say, “Oh good, you finally called back. I’ve been waiting to discuss your car warranty.”
Silence. Panic. Disconnection.
Pure serotonin.
5. The Moral High Ground Isn’t a Hill — It’s a Recliner.
Get comfortable. You’re not the bad guy here. If anything, you’re a vigilante with an unlimited cell plan.
So go on, Batman. Fight crime. Waste time. Let your petty light shine bright. Just remember: if the call lasts more than 30 minutes, you’re no longer fighting scammers — you’re volunteering.
Ethically Questionable, Emotionally Satisfied,
Uncle Bobby
– Uncle Bobby