Life Coaches Modern Ages Greatest Hustle
Dear Uncle Bobby - I keep seeing ads for life coaches everywhere — Instagram, billboards, even the back of my grocery receipts. Everybody says they can “unlock my potential” for three easy payments of $199. Is hiring a life coach actually worth it, or is it just another fad I should dodge?
Frenzied Pursuit Of Self-Improvement,
Seeking Guidance from Anyone But Myself
Oh buddy… pull up a chair, pour a stiff drink, and let Uncle Bobby tell you about the greatest hustle of the modern age — the Life Coach Industrial Complex.
Life coaches are sprouting up faster than mold on month-old bread. These days, all you need is a Canva template, a calm voice, and a tragic breakup story you’ve repackaged as “spiritual awakening.” Suddenly you’ve got yourself a business model and a link in bio.
And for what? So a complete stranger can “empower” you to make decisions you were already gonna make after three days of stress, a bad night’s sleep, and half a pizza?
Listen… the whole premise is absurd.
You’re paying someone else to tell you how to run the only life you actually have.
A life coach doesn’t know your baggage, your trauma, your bank account, your family, or your digestive issues — but somehow they’ve determined they can fix all of it with a notebook and a slogan.
They always start with, “What’s holding you back?”
I’ll tell you what’s holding you back — paying $200 an hour to someone who uses words like “alignment” and “vibrational truth” while sitting in an apartment they can’t afford.
And don’t get me started on the irony.
You want clearer thinking?
Make a decision.
You want accountability?
Tell someone who’ll actually judge you.
You want a transformation?
Try sleeping eight hours and drinking water like a mammal.
You don’t need a life coach — you need common sense and consequences, two things money can’t buy and most people try desperately to avoid.
But sure, if you’re feeling spicy, go hire a 26-year-old who “discovered their calling” after backpacking through Bali for three weeks and reading one Brene Brown quote. I’m sure they can fix your marriage, career, and emotional wounds.
Here’s the truth no life coach will tell you:
The only person who can straighten out your life is the same one who made the mess.
That’d be you, champ.
But hey, if paying someone to sit in a coffee shop and nod at your problems makes you feel like you’re leveling up, knock yourself out. Just don’t pretend it’s enlightenment — it’s outsourcing..
– Uncle Bobby