Escaping Hikes Like a Pro (And Staying Cozy Indoors)

Dear Uncle Bobby –

Dear Uncle Bobby, My friends keep inviting me on hikes now that the weather’s cooler. They act like trudging up a hill with blisters is the highlight of the season. I’d rather stay home. How can I get out of these “adventures” without looking like a total slacker?

Couch-Clinger Carl

---

Oh Carl, bless your indoorsy little spirit. First off, let me say – avoiding outdoor activity is not laziness. It’s self-preservation. Mother Nature has bears, bugs, and a shocking lack of Wi-Fi. You have Netflix, snacks, and indoor plumbing. Advantage: you.

Now, when it comes to dodging hikes, you’ve got to get creative. “I’ve got allergies” works year-round. “My knees are acting up” sounds noble and vaguely medical. And my personal favorite? “I’d love to go, but I promised my recliner I’d be there for emotional support.” No one questions a man honoring a commitment.

And don’t forget – if guilt starts creeping in, spin it back on them. Ask if they’ve considered the environmental impact of stomping all over nature with their little hiking boots. Suddenly, you’re the hero, protecting Mother Earth by binge-watching indoors.

So here’s the inspiration, Carl: Life’s not about climbing mountains. It’s about crafting excuses so airtight even a park ranger couldn’t poke holes in them. You don’t need to conquer Everest. You just need to conquer the group chat with a well-timed “rain check.”

Because the great outdoors will always be there – cold, damp, and crawling. Meanwhile, the great indoors? That’s where legends like you thrive.

– Uncle Bobby