Tofu for Thanksgiving: A Sarcastic Survival Guide for Turkey Traitors
Uncle Bobby –
A relative just asked me to serve tofu for Thanksgiving dinner. TOFU. On the one day of the year dedicated to turkey, stuffing, and all things delicious, they want me to roll out a block of bean curd. What do I do without ruining the holiday spirit—or my appetite?
Ah, tofu for Thanksgiving—because apparently, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie just aren’t quirky enough. Turkeyless, you’re facing the ultimate holiday curveball: the one guest who shows up with a palate that screams “health food store” instead of “comfort food buffet.” But don’t panic. You’ve got this, and by “this,” I mean the chance to make it hilariously clear that Thanksgiving is not a tofu holiday.
- First things first: agree to their request—but do it your way. Serve the tofu, but make it the most aggressively festive block of tofu anyone’s ever seen. Shape it like a turkey, baste it with gravy, and stick a sprig of parsley on top for that Pinterest-worthy touch. When they ask why it tastes like a bland sponge, just say, “That’s how Grandma used to make it!”
- Or, if you’re feeling extra creative, hide the tofu in the most unlikely dish. Maybe dice it up and sneak it into the stuffing or whip it into a “mystery” casserole. When they say, “This doesn’t taste like tofu,” smile knowingly and say, “That’s because it’s love!” (Spoiler: it’s probably the butter.
But let’s be real: this is Thanksgiving, and you’re not running a five-star vegan restaurant. If they want tofu, tell them you’ll set aside a small corner of the oven—after the turkey, stuffing, and pies are done, of course. They can bring their tofu masterpiece, warm it up, and enjoy their “feast” while the rest of you dive into actual food. It’s called compromise, and it’s basically what Thanksgiving is all about.
- Finally, don’t forget to turn this into a running family joke. Next year, casually mention that you’re “expanding the menu” to include tofurkey, gluten-free mashed potatoes, and dairy-free whipped cream—because nothing says “holiday tradition” like catering to every diet trend imaginable. Just make sure to laugh when you say it… mostly.
So relax, Turkeyless. Serve the tofu, serve the turkey, and serve yourself a double helping of pie as a reward for surviving yet another holiday dinner. And remember: no matter what they eat, it’s your cooking they’ll be thankful for—or at least pretending to be. Cheers!
– Uncle Bobby