TikTok Obsession Nervous Breakdowns in 60 Seconds or Less
Dear Uncle Bobby - Everyone around me is obsessed with TikTok — the dances, the trends, the influencers. I feel like I’m the only one not chasing views. Am I missing something?
Lost In The Viral Void,
Lost in the Algorithm
Missing something? Oh absolutely. You are missing a full-blown nervous breakdown in under 60 seconds.
TikTok is not an app. It is a digital casino designed to steal your time, scramble your attention span, and convince you that strangers lip-syncing to a clip from 2014 is “content.” The kids love it. They perform choreography that resembles interpretive jazz hands while mouthing the words to a song they have never actually listened to outside of this cursed interface.
Perhaps you want in. Perhaps you dream of becoming an influencer, one viral hit away from selling energy drinks and questionable skincare. Lucky for you, Uncle Bobby knows the secrets:
Tip #1: Perfect Your Blank Stare of Awe
• Open your eyes wide.
• Look slightly above the camera.
• Gasp dramatically at… nothing.
Congratulations. You are reacting to someone else’s reaction content.
Tip #2: Learn a Dance That Looks Like CPR for Mosquitoes
• Remember when dancing required talent?
• Now we simply wiggle our arms like inflatable tube men experiencing micro-strokes.
• Add hip sway. Profit.
Tip #3: Overshare
• Tell millions of strangers intimate details you would not admit under oath.
• Feel alive.
• Regret everything.
Tip #4: Ignore Basic Safety
• Climb on furniture.
• Jump off questionable surfaces.
• Trust that “send it” is a valid life philosophy.
Tip #5: Speak in Buzzword Tongues
• “POV: You’re my toaster and I’m emotionally unstable.”
• “What I eat in a day (chaos edition).”
• “Saw this trend so here we goooo.”
Translation: You have no thoughts of your own.
And do not forget the sacred hashtag gospel:
#FYP #viral #influencerlife #sponsoredbychaos
Because that is the real dream, correct?
Not passion.
Not purpose.
Only free merch and parasocial validation.
So go ahead. Allow the algorithm to absorb you.
Permit it to monitor your every blink and reward you for assigning artificial meaning to meaningless noise.
In six months, when your entire personality is constructed from filters and jump cuts, remember:
You asked for this.
– Uncle Bobby