Insta-Famous Feline Requires Full-Time Unpaid Publicist
Dear Uncle Bobby,
I think my cat has what it takes to be famous on Instagram. I mean, he’s cute, fluffy, and judges me constantly; that has to be marketable, right? Any advice on getting him Insta-famous?
Terrified Of Judgemental Fluffball,
Cat-Obsessed but Camera-Ready
Oh absolutely! Nothing says “I’m thriving” like building your entire personal brand around a creature that ignores you 97% of the time.
Step One: accept your new role.
You are no longer a pet owner. You are a full-time unpaid feline publicist. Your cat is the talent. You are the driver, chef, stylist, janitor, and emotional support human for a diva that pays rent in hairballs.
Step Two: wardrobe.
Your cat does not need clothes.
Which is exactly why you must buy them.
Tiny hats. Bowties. Pajamas with ducks on them. The more your cat resents you, the better the engagement rates.
Step Three: photoshoots and prepare for war.
• Lighting set? Cat leaves.
• Perfect background? Cat throws up on it.
• Great shot lined up? Cat shows you their “Nope” side and leaves the frame entirely.
By the 27th photo, you will be sweating, crying, begging…
Meanwhile your cat will be asleep in a sunbeam like the narcissist they are.
Step Four: brand partnerships.
You will start getting emails:
“Hello, yes, would Mr. Whiskers like to promote our organic litter made from recycled tofu?”
And you will actually consider it.
Because you are too far gone now.
Step Five: hashtag hell.
#CatsOfInstagram #Petfluencer #FluffyFame #DidIDressMyCatAsACowboyForLikes
You will write them. You will hate yourself. You will do it again tomorrow.
Step Six: the reality check.
Your cat does not care.
Not even a little.
They are just living their best life while you chase validation in the form of heart-shaped pixels.
But hey — maybe your cat will go viral.
Maybe strangers across the globe will adore Princess Tuna while she continues to treat you like a barely-qualified intern.
And honestly?
That is the healthiest relationship dynamic social media has ever seen.
– Uncle Bobby