The Cord Conflict A Cable-Loyalists Custody Battle
Dear Uncle Bobby, Everyone I know is ditching cable and switching to streaming, and they keep telling me I should too. Honestly, I’m scared. Cable’s been with me longer than most of my relationships. Is cutting the cord really worth it, or am I about to make the biggest mistake of my adult life?
Tethered To Tradition,
Emotionally Entangled with Electronics
Ah, cutting the cord — the modern equivalent of filing for divorce from a spouse you’ve been tolerating for decades. Cable has seen you through breakups, birthdays, political meltdowns, and that three-year period where you only watched reruns of Law & Order: SVU. And now you’re standing here with shaking hands and a Roku remote, wondering if you’re about to ruin your life.
Let me tell you something: cord-cutting isn’t a clean break — it’s a messy custody battle. You think you’re freeing yourself, but really you’re just trading one tyrant for twelve smaller, moodier tyrants with buffering issues.
Remember the good old days? One bill. One remote. Three channels you actually watched and 497 you didn’t. Simple. Stable. Predictable — like a bad marriage that somehow worked.
But now? You’ve got Netflix, Hulu, Max, Disney+, Paramount+, Peacock, Amazon Prime, Shudder, Crunchyroll, Tubi, Pluto, and seventeen more you don’t remember signing up for. At this point, your bank statement reads like the credits of a Marvel movie.
And the paradox of choice? Oh, it gets you.
You’ll spend 45 minutes scrolling through endless thumbnails like a lost pilgrim, then settle for rewatching The Office because decisions are exhausting.
Meanwhile, cable’s sitting there like an old lover on the porch, sipping bourbon and whispering, “You know where I live.”
But don’t worry — you won’t be alone. Every cord-cutter goes through the five stages of streaming grief:
- Denial: “It’ll be cheaper!”
- Anger: “Why are there ads?! I’m PAYING for this!”
- Bargaining: “Maybe just one month of Showtime… for the documentary…”
- Depression: Staring at your 11 subscriptions while wondering what went wrong.
- Acceptance: Realizing you’re basically managing a small entertainment corporation.
And let’s not forget the user profiles. Nothing says “I’ve lost control of my life” like a streaming service asking, “Who’s watching?” when it’s just you. Always has been.
So yes, cut the cord if you must. Liberate yourself. Or delude yourself. Same thing.
Just know that the freedom you gain will be immediately replaced by a spreadsheet of logins, rotating subscriptions, and arguments with your TV about why it suddenly forgot you exist.
– Uncle Bobby