E-Scooters The Green Monster Wreaking Chaos on Wheels
Dear Uncle Bobby - My city’s been overrun by e-scooters and e-bikes. They’re zipping down sidewalks, weaving through traffic, and left in piles on every corner. I thought this was supposed to be a “green” solution, but it feels more like chaos on wheels. What’s your take?
Dazed Pedestrian,
Pedestrian in Peril
What’s my take? E-scooters are what happens when chaos marries convenience and raises its children in the bike lane.
Let’s start with the big lie — this whole “eco-friendly transportation revolution.” Yeah, it’s green all right — the color of envy, greed, and the bruises you get when one of these silent assassins clips your knee at 25 miles an hour.
You can’t walk down a city street anymore without dodging these glorified battery-powered death traps. One minute you’re minding your business, the next you’ve got a dude in a backward hat and flip-flops doing 30 on a sidewalk, grinning like physics doesn’t apply to him. Spoiler: it does. And it always wins.
And let’s talk about where these things end up. Because apparently, when you’re done riding an e-scooter, you just drop it wherever gravity takes you. Sidewalks, lawns, fountains — heck, I saw one in a tree once. A tree! These people aren’t parking them; they’re staging an invasion. The city looks like a failed robot uprising where the machines just gave up halfway through.
And the e-bikes? Oh, those are worse. They’ve got the speed of a motorcycle and the helmet habits of a toddler. No rules. No awareness. Just vibes. They’re riding on sidewalks, down one-way streets, across crosswalks — everywhere except where they belong. At least real cyclists had the decency to dress like neon bananas so you could see the disaster coming. These e-bikers blend in like ninjas until bam — you’re roadkill in sensible shoes.
And don’t get me started on the “sustainability” argument. Sure, it’s electric — but those batteries don’t charge themselves, buddy. Somewhere, a coal plant just sighed and said, “You’re welcome.”
Here’s a thought: if your “personal transportation solution” requires a lithium battery, a Bluetooth app, and a blood sacrifice to keep it upright, maybe it’s not progress. Maybe it’s just laziness with a charging cable.
So until we figure out how to make people follow the laws of physics and basic decency, I’m sticking to walking — it’s quiet, it’s safe, and it doesn’t end with me being catapulted into traffic by someone named Skyler on a rented scooter.
– Uncle Bobby