Sticking to Diets: An Epic Saga of Salad Tears and Forbidden Donuts
Dear Uncle Bobby –
Ah, dieting — the modern-day torture where you pay good money to feel hungry, tired, and strangely obsessed with foods you’d never actually eat. Honestly, I’m impressed you’ve made it this far. Keto, paleo, celery juice? You’re basically an endurance athlete at this point, but instead of medals, you’re rewarded with sad salads and a strong sense of resentment.
Now, you want to know how people stick to these diets? Here’s the secret: They don’t. They pretend. They post about their “health journey” on social media, they throw around terms like “clean eating,” and then they sneak off to devour an entire pizza when no one’s watching. Don’t be fooled — even the most dedicated dieter has a stash of emergency cookies somewhere.
You could try a few tricks, like using smaller plates to fool your brain into thinking you’re eating more. Or, you could hang a picture of yourself at peak snack-meltdown mode on the fridge as a “motivator.” But let’s be real, that picture will only remind you of the sweet bliss of carbs and freedom. It’s basically a countdown until your next donut run.
Or you could join the “new-age” diet plan I invented called the “See-Food” diet. You see food, and you eat it. It’s liberating, it’s fun, and has zero restrictions. Just make sure you keep a drawer full of stretchy pants because, well, there’s always a price to pay for freedom.
But if you’re set on sticking to something, why not go with the “Food Randomizer” diet? Basically, you spin a wheel to decide your next meal. You may end up with a kale smoothie or a stack of waffles — either way, it keeps life interesting. And the suspense of wondering if you’ll eat a vegetable or a donut next will burn calories by itself.
In conclusion, I’m Done, the trick to sticking to a diet is to accept that it’s not going to be pretty, fun, or sustainable. But if you’re determined to try, I’ll be here, cheering you on — probably from a donut shop.
– Uncle Bobby