Smarter Home Than Me, Welcome to a Tech Hostage Situation
Dear Uncle Bobby - I think my house is officially smarter than I am. Everything’s connected to Wi-Fi — my lights, my fridge, even my toothbrush. Half the time I can’t remember if I live in a home or a tech demo. Is this progress or a cry for help?
Overwhelmed By WiFi Worship,
Digitally Defeated
Buddy, if your fridge needs a software update and your toilet has Bluetooth, that’s not progress — that’s a hostage situation.
We’ve hit peak absurdity in the “smart home” revolution. Everything’s connected now, which means nothing actually works unless the internet’s in a good mood. You used to just flip a switch to turn on the lights. Now it’s a 15-step voice command followed by a firmware update and a small argument with Alexa.
And for what? Convenience? You can’t convince me it’s convenient when I need a two-factor authentication code to make toast.
Let’s review the highlights:
- Smart Fridge: Because apparently, I need my refrigerator to judge me. “Hey Bobby, you’re low on vegetables!” Thanks, Frosty — maybe mind your own compressor.
- Smart Thermostat: The only device that argues with you about your own comfort. “You seem stressed, let’s lower the temperature.” Oh yeah, that’ll fix my mortgage.
- Smart Lights: Great until you accidentally rename the living room “War Zone” and can’t turn them off without shouting, “Alexa, disarm War Zone!”
- Smart Vacuum: Works flawlessly… until it smears dog puke across 600 square feet of carpet at 3AM.
- Smart Mirror: Because nothing says self-care like being told your “skin moisture is low” while you question every decision you’ve ever made.
And let’s not forget — every one of these gadgets spies on you like a nosy neighbor with Wi-Fi. You can’t even sneeze without Google sending you an ad for antihistamines and Kleenex.
So here’s my advice: if your home talks back, move out. Buy a dumb lamp, a regular broom, and a fridge that minds its business. Because the only thing “smart” about this whole setup is the companies that convinced us to pay extra for things that used to just work.
Progress, my foot. I don’t need my house connected to the cloud. I need it connected to reality.
– Uncle Bobby