Order Chaos: Uncle Bobby Unravels the Mystifying Art of Public Name Calling

Dear Uncle Bobby, Why is it that every time I order something at a coffee shop or fast-food place, I never hear them call my name the first time? Either I zone out, they mumble it, or somehow my name has been completely reinvented by the person taking orders. Am I the problem, or is this just how society works now?

Mystified in Mumbleville,,
Calling Out for Sanity

Oh, Calling Out, you sweet, hopeful soul. You thought ordering food was a simple process? No, no. This isn’t about coffee. This is about control. See, when you give them your name, you think it’s going to be repeated accurately and at a reasonable volume. But no—you’ve just entered the great Social Experiment of Public Name Calling, where reality bends and common sense is abandoned. First, there’s the name butchering. You said Alex? Congratulations, you’re now Alec, Alice, or somehow, Kevin. You’re Sarah? Nope. Sierra, Savanna, or maybe even Cheryl. If your name is even slightly uncommon, just accept that your barista has made up something entirely new for you. It’s their coffee shop now. You are but a guest. Then, there’s the volume issue. The order is called out at exactly the wrong decibel. If they whisper, it sounds like a cryptic riddle only dogs can hear. If they yell? It’s an aggressive, soul-shaking experience that makes you regret ever wanting caffeine. No in-between. Ever. And let’s not forget The Invisible Announcement. The moment you do start listening? They skip your name entirely. They call “Jason” five times. You’re standing there, waiting, confused, hungry—until you finally realize your drink has been sitting there, cold, since the Bush administration. So, are you the problem? Absolutely not. This is the system working as intended. If you want to win at this game, you must become aggressive. Stand closer. Watch the counter like a hawk. Make direct eye contact with the employees so they know you know they have your order. And if all else fails? Give them a fake name. Something powerful. Something undeniable. You think “John” gets ignored? Try demanding they call out ‘Commander Falcon’ or ‘Sir Caffeine the Third.’ You’ll get that drink immediately. Good luck, and remember—you’re not just ordering coffee. You’re competing in the Hunger Games of breakfast transactions. Stay sharp.