Uncle Bobby Uncovers: The Pen Betrayal Phenomenon – Why Your Pen Picks Its Battles
Dear Uncle Bobby, Why do pens always stop working when I actually need them? I can scribble on a napkin, and it works fine, but the second I need to sign something important, it just quits. It’s not even out of ink—it just refuses. What’s going on?
Ink-lessly Yours,,
Out of Ink (But Not Really)
Ah, the great Pen Betrayal Phenomenon. One of the oldest and most sinister conspiracies of office supply history. You think you own that pen? You don’t. The pen owns you. These things don’t stop working because they’re out of ink. No, no—they stop working because they know. They sense the stakes. If you’re doodling nonsense on a post-it? Flawless performance. But the moment you need to sign a contract, write a check, or fill out an official form that some grumpy person behind a desk is waiting on? Nothing. Not a single mark. And what do we do? We panic. We shake it, scribble in the margins, draw a useless series of loops like we’re performing some kind of ancient ink-summoning ritual. It works for a second—a cruel, fleeting moment of hope—before the pen decides, Nope, I think I’d rather be dead again. But here’s where things get suspicious: pens never die alone. The moment one quits, you grab another. That one is also useless. And the next. All dead. It’s an epidemic. How? How do they all conk out at the exact same time?! I'll tell you how—it’s an inside job. The Pen Industry could have made reliable, long-lasting pens decades ago. But they didn’t. Because chaos sells. That’s why you’ve got two working pens and seventeen inkless imposters rolling around in your junk drawer. So, what’s the solution? There is none. Pens have unionized against us. The best we can do is buy a 12-pack of new ones, knowing full well that 10 of them are duds, one will disappear instantly, and the last one will betray you when you need it most. And that’s life. A constant battle against writing utensils that choose violence every single day. Good luck out there. And bring a backup pen. Actually, bring six.
– Uncle Bobby