Office Goldfish Mastering Cluelessness for Survival
Uncle Bobby –
Dear Uncle Bobby, I try to keep my head down and stay out of all the office drama, but lately it feels like everything’s political—people jockeying for credit, subtle power plays, weird alliances forming over who brought donuts. How do I survive this without getting dragged into it?
Blissfully Unaware
Ah, office politics — that magical ecosystem where ambition meets passive-aggression in an open-concept terrarium. And you, poor soul, have made the classic mistake of thinking your job is to do your job. Adorable.
But worry not. Let me introduce you to The Art of Cluelessness— a performance so disarming, so unassumingly dense, it renders you completely untouchable. Think of it as professional camouflage made entirely of beige cardigans and selective hearing.
Step one: master the vacant nod. When someone drops a loaded phrase like, “Well, some people didn’t stay late last night,” simply smile, nod thoughtfully, and say, “I think they’re opening a new Trader Joe’s by the highway.” Confusion is your shield. Irrelevance is your sword.
Step two: ask innocent questions with devastating implications.
"Wait, are we not supposed to cc the VP on that?”
"Oh… was that your project?”
"That’s weird, I thought Karen was in charge of that deadline.”
Say it wide-eyed. Say it slow. Then walk away like you just discovered your lunch was missing.
Step three: weaponize snacks. Bring in something mediocre — plain bagels, maybe stale pretzels. Then stand back and let the real animals fight for dominance over the cream cheese. You were just “trying to be nice.” You didn’t realize it would “turn into a thing.”
Step four: forget who’s feuding. “Oh, I didn’t realize you two weren’t speaking! I just invited both of you to lunch—hope that’s not awkward!” Then watch from a safe distance as the seating chart implodes.
And finally, never offer opinions. Ever. Unless it’s about where to order lunch. In which case, have very strong opinions. Distract them with food debates while the real battles rage behind a smoke screen of Thai vs. tacos.
Cluelessness, when done correctly, isn’t incompetence — it’s a survival strategy. It says, “I’m too simple to manipulate, too forgetful to threaten, and too pleasant to blame.”
So go forth and feign oblivion. Be the blank slate. The office goldfish. The person who smiles, waves, and never gets invited to the secret Slack channel — and lives to work another day.
– Uncle Bobby