Climb to Power Your New Guide to Misery Management
Uncle Bobby –
Dear Uncle Bobby, I just got promoted to a management position for the first time, and I want to make sure I do a good job. I’ve never led a team before, and I’m not sure where to start. Any advice?
Suddenly in Charge
Oh, congratulations, fearless leader! You’ve officially leveled up from “underappreciated cog in the machine” to walking HR liability with a whiteboard. And now, the company has entrusted you with power. Beautiful, unchecked, poorly-defined power.
Let me walk you through how to absolutely crush it as a manager – and by “crush it,” I mean crush the spirit of your team like a stale granola bar.
Step one: assert dominance immediately. Schedule a 7am Monday meeting. No agenda. No coffee. Just your face on Zoom, staring silently for 90 seconds before saying, “Let’s get started.” This establishes fear, which is the only true currency of leadership.
Step two: micromanage like it’s a competitive sport. If you’re not asking for hourly updates on the status of a three-day task, are you even managing? Hover. Comment. Rewrite. Redo. Reassign. Just make sure no one ever feels safe.
Step three: weaponize buzzwords. Don’t just ask someone to fix a spreadsheet. Tell them to “synergize the cross-functional data insights to better inform our client-forward KPIs.” If they ask what that means, say “I need you to show more initiative” and schedule a performance review.
Step four: withhold praise like it’s a secret family recipe. When someone excels, nod once. Maybe. You don’t want these people getting ideas about job satisfaction. You want them clinging to your approval like a lab rat pressing a dopamine lever.
Step five: inspire confusion, not clarity. A good leader leads. A great leader keeps everyone guessing. Change priorities mid-week. Cancel deadlines with no explanation. And above all, refer to “the bigger picture” without ever specifying what it is.
Oh – and don’t forget your motivational posters. Nothing boosts morale like a kitten dangling from a branch while your team’s dangling from burnout.
So go forth, O Captain of Chaos. Lead your people into the fog. And when they look to you for guidance, give them a TED Talk about grit, followed by an impossible deadline.
That’s not management – that’s legacy.
– Uncle Bobby