New Years Resolutions Overpriced Optimism Cosplay
Dear Uncle Bobby, Everywhere I look people are talking about New Year’s resolutions, goals, planners, habits, and “new year, new me” energy. I already feel behind and it’s not even January yet. How do I deal with all this pressure to reinvent myself overnight?
Suffocating Anticipation,
Dry-Erase Board Skeptic
You’re not behind. You’re just being marketed to.
New Year’s resolutions aren’t about self-improvement. They’re about optimism cosplay. It’s a ritual where grown adults pretend that changing the font on their calendar will unlock discipline they’ve ignored since 2016.
Here’s the first truth nobody selling a planner wants you to hear: if something mattered enough, you would’ve already started it. January 1st isn’t motivation—it’s a delay tactic dressed up in glitter.
The people loudest about their resolutions are usually the least committed. They announce goals the way toddlers announce they’re going to be astronauts. Big dreams. Zero logistics. Maximum markers.
My advice? Don’t make a resolution. Make a non-resolution.
Tell people you’re “observing the year first.” Say you’re in a soft launch phase. Nothing scares a resolution addict more than ambiguity.
If pressed, explain that you don’t believe in artificial deadlines created by paper companies and fitness apps. Maintain eye contact. Sip something warm. Let it get uncomfortable.
While everyone else is buying journals, you stay still. Watch who quits by January 14th. Note who rebrands failure as “grace.” Learn from the carnage.
If you want to improve something, do it quietly in February when no one is watching. That’s where real change lives—off schedule, unannounced, and deeply.
The goal isn’t a new you.
It’s the same you, but harder to sell nonsense to.
You’re welcome.
– Uncle Bobby