Expiration Date for Unwanted House Guests
Dear Uncle Bobby, A relative came to stay with us for Christmas and keeps saying things like “we’ll see how the week goes” and “no rush.” Christmas is over. New Year’s is coming. I’m starting to worry they’re not leaving. How do I get my house back without starting a family war?
Desperate For Space,
Couch Claimed
Let me tell you something important: hospitality has an expiration date. And yours has passed like eggnog left out overnight.
This person didn’t visit your home — they successfully invaded it. They unpacked hope. They established routines. They found the good coffee mugs. That’s not a guest. That’s a soft launch.
Politeness is what got you here. Politeness is weakness dressed in a cardigan. The moment Christmas ended, the contract shifted. We are no longer celebrating. We are cohabitating under false pretenses.
Start by reclaiming territory. Sit in their chair. Use their blanket. Eat the snack they “were saving.” Say nothing. Eye contact optional. You’re not being rude — you’re reminding them that this is a shared environment with escalating discomfort.
Next, normalize departure language. Casually work phrases into conversation like, “Before you head out…” or “Once you’re back home…” even if no plans exist. Say it confidently. Reality respects confidence.
Begin reintroducing normal life at full volume. Alarms. Errands. Phone calls about nothing. Laundry at 10 p.m. You are not passive-aggressive — you are operational.
If they mention New Year’s, laugh. Not mean. Just surprised. Like they told a joke that didn’t land. “Oh wow, no, that would’ve been a lot.” Then sip something and change the subject. Silence does more work than explanations.
And if all else fails, deploy the nuclear option: start discussing future projects. Repairs. Budgets. Early mornings. Anything that implies this house is about to become deeply inconvenient. No one overstays a renovation.
You don’t owe anyone eternal lodging because they share a last name and once brought deviled eggs. Christmas hospitality does not roll over into January tenancy.
You didn’t invite them to stay forever.
You invited them for the holidays.
And the holidays are over.
– Uncle Bobby