Surviving Mothers Day: Uncle Bobbys Snarky Guide to Gift-Giving
Dear Uncle Bobby –
Mother’s Day is coming up and I have no idea what to get my mom (or my wife, or my mother-in-law). They always say “Oh don’t worry about me,” but somehow I know if I show up empty-handed I’ll never hear the end of it. What should I do?
Drowning in Maternal Expectations,,
Nervous for Mother’s Day
Oh, Nervous, bless your doomed little soul. You thought you had a chance? Buddy, Mother’s Day is the Hunger Games of gift giving — and you’re a tribute whether you like it or not. First of all, "Oh, don’t get me anything!" is the most dangerous lie ever spoken. That’s not permission. That’s a trap. What she really means is: “Don’t get me anything cheap, stupid, or thoughtless. But also don’t spend too much, because I’ll yell at you for wasting money. But also, you better get me SOMETHING or you’re dead to me until Christmas.” Fun, right? And don’t fall for the “just a card is fine” routine either. You know who only gets Mom a card? Orphans. So here’s Uncle Bobby’s advice: Go all in — or fake it like you did. - Buy flowers so expensive they come with a mortgage. - Get a gift card but make sure it’s in a box with glitter and a handwritten poem about how she’s your rock, your hero, and the only reason you know how to microwave food. - Take her to brunch even though you’ll wait 2 hours for cold eggs and watery mimosas surrounded by 600 other guys who also forgot until yesterday. And if you forget entirely? Just go ahead and update your will because you are already dead to her. Remember, Nervous: Mother’s Day isn’t about appreciation. It’s about survival. And by survival, I mean smiling while you hand over chocolates and pray you guessed correctly between "lavender" and "jasmine" scented bath bombs. Good luck, soldier. May the odds — and the online flower delivery services — be ever in your favor.
– Uncle Bobby