Surviving the Real Estate Safari: Uncle Bobbys Snarky Guide to House Hunting
Dear Uncle Bobby,
We’ve been working with a realtor for a couple of months now, trying to find a house. We’ve toured at least a dozen, made a couple offers, and everything feels overpriced or already snatched up. Is this just how it works now?
Chuckling in the Real Estate Abyss,,
Deep in the Listings
Oh, Listings, bless your weary GPS and your ever-dwindling weekends. You thought house hunting would be exciting — like HGTV, but with your own snacks. Turns out, it’s mostly driving around looking at places that smell faintly of regret and overly aggressive plug-in air fresheners.
- “This one’s got great potential” (Translation: You'll need to demo the kitchen with a sledgehammer and a prayer.)
- “The price reflects the neighborhood” (Translation: The house is garbage, but the school zone is trending on Zillow.)
- “It’s going fast, so you’ll need to move quick” (Translation: There’s a bidding war and you already lost.)
And let’s talk about these listing prices. Since when did “cozy fixer-upper” mean $389,000 and no functioning toilet? Every seller thinks their outdated laminate counters are “vintage charm” and that sloped floor in the hallway is “character.”
Uncle Bobby’s advice? Breathe. Don’t fall in love too fast. A house is like a first date in Spanx — it’s hiding a lot. Your job is to stay calm, stay skeptical, and for heaven’s sake, bring a tape measure and a flashlight.
Because eventually, you’ll find a place that’s not perfect — but it’s yours. And when you do, you’ll stop hearing the word “contingency” in your sleep. Until then, trust your gut, not the staged furniture. And never believe a listing that says “won’t last long” — that’s what they said about Crystal Pepsi, too.
— Uncle Bobby