Golden Retriever Overload: Uncle Bobby's Witty Guide to Surviving Dog #5
Dear Uncle Bobby –
My spouse wants to get another golden retriever. We already have four, and every square inch of our house is covered in fur. I love dogs, but I’m starting to feel like I live in a kennel. Am I a bad person for saying “enough” to dog #5?
Overwhelmed by Goldens
Ah, yes, the classic case of “Just One More Dog Syndrome.” Look, Overwhelmed, it’s clear that your spouse has caught a bad case of puppy fever, and with four golden retrievers already ruling the house, you’re just one pooch away from opening the region’s hottest doggie B&B. But a fifth? That’s not just a dog — that’s a lifestyle.
Now, are you a bad person for saying “enough”? Absolutely! How dare you rob your spouse of the joy of golden retriever number five! Imagine all the fur you’re missing out on, all the slobber-soaked tennis balls you could be tripping over. Besides, what’s one more? Just think of it as another 80-pound cushion to accessorize your couch.
Of course, there’s a simple solution here: Go big. Why stop at five? With just a few more goldens, you can form an actual pack. Picture the joy of walking through your neighborhood, a human chariot pulled by golden retrievers in perfect formation. You’ll be the talk of the town — not to mention a sight to behold when all five (or six, or seven) come bounding to greet guests at once.
Or you could take the practical route and convert one room into the “Golden Suite.” Line the floors with dog beds, cover the walls in chew-resistant wallpaper, and let them have their own wing of the house. You’ll be free of fur in the rest of the place, and your spouse will have the joy of visiting their canine kingdom whenever they please. Win-win!
But if you’re truly on the fence, here’s a pro tip: If your spouse is begging for a fifth dog, surprise them with two more instead. Nothing says “love” like a double-down on golden fluff. Plus, by the time you hit six, they might just be ready to call it quits. Probably.
So, Overwhelmed, here’s the bottom line: either commit fully to the golden life or accept your fate and prepare for endless lint-rolling and tennis-ball dodge drills. Because in the end, what’s marriage without a bit of barking and a lot of fur? Enjoy!
– Uncle Bobby