Uncle Bobbys Guide to Florida Snowstorm Survival: How Not to Turn into an Icicle
Dear Uncle Bobby - We’re under a winter snow warning, and everyone’s losing their minds. I know 1-3 inches doesn’t sound like much to people up north, but around here, bridges ice over, roads are a disaster, and nobody knows what they’re doing. How do I survive this Arctic apocalypse without turning into a human icicle?
Frostily Yours,,
Frozen in Florida
Ah, Frozen, welcome to Florida’s version of “The Day After Tomorrow,” where snowflakes are treated like harbingers of doom and the entire state collectively forgets how to function. Up north, 1-3 inches of snow means people still go to work, hit the gym, and shovel their driveways before breakfast. Here? It means stockpiling bottled water and fighting your neighbors for the last loaf of bread.
Let’s face it: we’re not built for this. Snow plows? Don’t have ’em. Salt trucks? Never heard of ’em. Winter driving skills? Hilarious. Our big plan is just to sit in our cars, spin out on the icy bridges, and hope the sun fixes everything by lunchtime.
But don’t worry, I’m here to help you navigate this frozen nightmare. Step one: stay inside. Seriously, Floridians can barely handle rain without crashing into each other, so there’s no way we’re surviving icy roads. Cancel all plans, hunker down, and let your car enjoy a well-deserved snow day.
Step two: improvise winter gear. Don’t own a snow shovel? Use a pool skimmer. No boots? Wrap your flip-flops in plastic bags and call it “Florida chic.” Be creative — it’s a survival skill.
Step three: embrace the chaos. This is a once-in-a-decade event, so go full Floridian. Take 300 blurry photos of the snow and caption them, “Can you believe this?!” Try to build a snowman out of slush. And when the entire state shuts down because of half an inch of ice, remind your northern friends that we chose sunshine 364 days a year — this is just the price we pay.
In the end, Frozen, you’ll survive this snowstorm the same way Floridians survive hurricanes: with a lot of snacks, a little panic, and absolutely no preparation. Good luck out there, and remember: if you see me running in the snow, it means something truly terrifying is coming behind me. Stay warm!
– Uncle Bobby