Electric Car Ownership More Hype than Horsepower
Dear Uncle Bobby, Everyone keeps telling me I need to trade in my truck for an electric car. They say it’s the future, it’s cleaner, it’s smarter. But every time I see one, I just feel… underwhelmed. Am I crazy for thinking this whole electric car thing is more hype than horsepower?
Battery Life Brian
Oh, Brian, bless your charging-port-curious heart. You’re not crazy — you’re just sane in a world that’s lost its damn mind. They say electric cars are the future. If that’s true, then the future looks about as exciting as a kale smoothie.
Let’s talk about the “joy” of electric ownership. First, the charging stations. You don’t get gas anymore. Nope. Now you’ve gotta plan your whole life like it’s an Oregon Trail reboot. “Do we have enough charge to make it to Grandma’s house, or do we stop for three hours behind a Cracker Barrel while the kids eat mints out of the hostess stand?” And God help you if it’s the holidays. Nothing says Christmas cheer like a line of Teslas arguing over whose app says they were next.
And the sound. Or should I say — the lack of sound. You don’t realize how depressing silent acceleration is until you try to merge onto the highway and all you hear is the squeak of your own seatbelt. Where’s the rumble? The roar? The chest-thumping glory of eight cylinders announcing your arrival like a marching band? Instead, you’re sneaking up on pedestrians like a Roomba in eco mode.
And don’t get me started on the peer pressure. Drive an electric car, they said. Save the planet, they said. Meanwhile, you’re sweating bullets because you turned the A/C on high and suddenly your “350-mile range” turned into “good luck making it out of the neighborhood.” But at least you’ve got that green halo, right? Nothing says responsible adult like crying in your driveway because your car won’t start until 3 a.m.
Listen, I was born in the early ’70s — back when cars were cars. You know, steel, chrome, horsepower that could shake your fillings loose. NASCAR roaring, muscle cars growling, Indy cars screaming past at 220 mph. Now? They’re selling us rolling iPads with cupholders.
Uncle Bobby’s advice? Drive what makes you grin, not what makes the neighbors clap politely. If you want a car that feels alive, don’t settle for one that hums like your fridge. Because at the end of the day, an electric car might get you there… but a gas-guzzling beast makes sure everyone knows you arrived.
– Uncle Bobby