Early Bird Apocalypse: Uncle Bobbys Guide to Outwitting Snowbird Buffet Bandits
Dear Uncle Bobby - The snowbirds are back, and suddenly, every restaurant in town is operating on retirement home hours. They pack the place by 4 p.m., demand the early bird special, and somehow turn “all-you-can-eat” into a competitive sport. I just want a normal dinner without watching people smuggle dinner rolls into their purses. How do I survive this seasonal takeover?
Living on Crumb Time,,
Suffering Through Early Bird Season
Ah, welcome to Early Bird Apocalypse, where local dining options have been hijacked by seasonal visitors who think $8.99 for an all-you-can-eat buffet is highway robbery. You’re not dining out anymore—you’re competing in a Survivor-style endurance challenge, and the prize is whether or not you get a warm breadstick. Let’s start with strategy. If you value your sanity, never—never—attempt to eat at a restaurant between 3:30 and 6:00 p.m. That’s prime snowbird feeding time. If you walk in at 5:15 expecting a table, congratulations—you just entered the Hunger Games, where the prize isn’t food, it’s freedom. Now, if you must venture out, here’s what you’re up against:
Coupon Wars. If there’s a BOGO deal, just turn around and leave. It’s already too late. There’s an army of matching pastel polos inside arguing over whether they can combine discounts.
The Buffet Hustle. This is a slow-moving yet highly calculated event. The first wave takes all the crab legs. The second wave wipes out the soup station. You? You’ll be left with a suspiciously dry pasta salad and an existential crisis.
Plate Sharing Shenanigans. Snowbirds have perfected the art of stretching a meal. Two-for-one specials become four-for-one as they masterfully divide a single dinner plate into a full-course meal for the entire table. You may witness dessert hoarding, where pocket-sized plastic bags mysteriously appear as a slice of cheesecake “for later” is smuggled out in a well-worn purse.
So how do you fight back? Go nocturnal. Wait until after 7 p.m. when the restaurants are deserted because snowbirds have already gone home to watch reruns of Murder, She Wrote. If you must eat during prime time, consider extreme measures—bring your own food and pretend to be part of a slow-moving shuffleboard tournament until you blend in.
But here’s the good news, my friend: summer is coming. Soon enough, these buffet bandits will pack up their oversized RVs and retreat to the north, and our restaurants will be ours again. Until then, eat strategically, move swiftly, and if you see a rogue snowbird eyeing the last dinner roll, just let it go—it’s not worth the fight.
– Uncle Bobby