Driveway Sovereignty Crisis How to Win a Petty War
Dear Uncle Bobby, My neighbor has started using my driveway as their personal turnaround spot. They pull in, linger, check their phone, adjust the radio, scroll through whatever, and then pull back out. It happens multiple times a day. I know it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does… but Bobby, it REALLY does. Am I overreacting, or is this a violation of driveway sovereignty?
Suffering Driveway Invasion,
Perimeter-Patrolling Paul
Paul…
My sweet, observant, boundary-respecting friend…
Let me tell you something right now: you are not overreacting — you are underreacting.
Your driveway is not a public rest stop.
It is not the visitor center off Exit 12.
It is not your neighbor’s personal automotive meditation zone.
It is Sovereign Paul Territory, and this man has violated it with the casual arrogance of a pigeon wandering into a pastry shop.
The second that front bumper crosses your property line?
Boom.
You’re in a geopolitical crisis.
And the lingering?
The lingering is what gets me.
Nothing inflames the petty soul like watching someone sit in your driveway, scrolling TikTok, like they’re waiting for room service.
Let’s break this down the way God intended: pettily and disproportionately.
Step 1: Declare the Driveway an Independent Nation
You need borders. Flags. A national anthem. Possibly a customs agent.
When he pulls in, you walk outside slowly, holding a clipboard, and ask,
“Purpose of visit?”
This alone will ruin his whole week.
Step 2: Install a Completely Unnecessary Traffic Pattern
One orange cone.
Just one.
Place it anywhere in your driveway for no reason.
Petty law states that a single cone destroys all casual turnarounds.
He’ll sit there confused, questioning what secret construction project he wasn’t told about.
Step 3: Weaponize Eye Contact
Be standing at the window every single time he arrives.
Don’t wave.
Don’t smile.
Just look at him like you’re a crow deciding whether today is the day you steal his soul.
Step 4: Subtle But Deranged Messages
Chalk arrows on the driveway pointing AWAY from your house.
Put up a tiny sign that says “PRIVATE TURNAROUND — WAIT, NO IT ISN’T.”
Leave no context.
Step 5: The Nuclear Option
Buy the world’s most obnoxious lawn ornament — like a 7-foot concrete goose — and place it precisely where he usually swings his car.
It doesn't have to block anything.
It just has to make a statement:
“This driveway is defended.”
Paul, let’s be honest — this isn’t about turning around.
It’s about principle.
It’s about respect.
It’s about the way his car pauses… lingers… settles into your driveway like it’s doing a deep-tissue massage on your last nerve.
You don’t have to fight him.
You don’t have to confront him.
You just have to win the petty war in your own heart.
Now go forth, King of Asphalt.
Your kingdom awaits.
– Uncle Bobby