Boat Ramp Bedlam: Uncle Bobby Dives into the Hilarious Chaos of Spring Boating
Dear Uncle Bobby –
Now that the weather’s warm, I’m seeing boats everywhere. But I swear, every time I drive past a boat ramp, it’s like a slow-motion disaster. People yelling, trailers stuck sideways, boats floating off without the driver—why is launching a boat such a public spectacle every year?Dockside, Dumbfounded, and Drenched,
Landlocked and Laughing
Oh, Landlocked, bless your curious little heart. You thought boating was about relaxation. You thought it was family fun. No, no. Boating is about publicly demonstrating how little patience humanity has left.
The boat ramp isn’t just a place—it’s an arena. A grand stage where perfectly normal adults lose their minds in full view of God, their neighbors, and whoever’s recording on their iPhone from the bushes.
Here’s how the ritual works:
- First, you back a 22-foot trailer down a 14-foot-wide ramp with the steering precision of a drunk octopus.
- Then you start shouting—not communicating, mind you—shouting. At your wife, at your kids, at the universe itself.
- Somewhere forgets to unhook something. Someone forgets to hook something. Someone forgets gravity is a thing.
- Before you know it, the boat is halfway in the water, the trailer’s at a 45-degree angle, and two grown adults are screaming about “the rope” like it’s the moon landing.
The beauty of it?
Nobody learns.
Every year, the same folks show back up, ready to recreate the chaos like it’s Opening Day for The Annual Festival of Poor Decisions.
Now, Uncle Bobby’s advice for you? Simple:
Bring a lawn chair. Bring snacks. Settle in. Watching the boat ramp is spring’s most underappreciated spectator sport. It’s NASCAR meets Jerry Springer meets Duck Dynasty.
If you really want to help, just walk up slow, nod wisely, and say, “Looks good. Real smooth.” Then back away before you get drafted into pushing a $40,000 pontoon off a sandbar.
Because at the end of the day, boating isn’t about being on the water—it’s about proving you have absolutely no business owning anything that floats.
Happy Friday, and may your weekend be boat-ramp free unless you're just there for the show.
– Uncle Bobby