Being a Nightmare Roommate The Perfect Guide for You
Dear Uncle Bobby - I just moved in with a new roommate, and I’m trying to make a good impression. Any advice on how to be the perfect roommate?
Suffering Sincerity,
Passive-Aggressive in Pajamas
Oh, absolutely. If you really want to make an impression — make it a lasting one. You don’t want to be just a roommate; you want to be a cautionary tale.
So buckle up, buttercup — here’s Uncle Bobby’s guide to being the perfect nightmare roommate.
Step 1: Mark Your Territory.
Sharing is for preschoolers and saints. If you buy it, it’s yours — and that includes every horizontal surface in the apartment. Kitchen counter? That’s your spice storage. Coffee table? Now a laundry staging area. The fridge? Claim it all by labeling everything with passive-aggressive Post-its like you’re running a very petty laboratory.
Step 2: Keep a “Flexible” Cleaning Schedule.
Nothing says “home sweet home” like a sink full of dishes soaking in mysterious brown water. Remember — if you intend to clean it, that counts. Bonus points if you vacuum while they’re on a Zoom call.
Step 3: Embrace the Ambience.
Play your music loud enough to make the neighbors file noise complaints — then act shocked when your roommate asks you to turn it down. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t think flamenco death metal was that loud.”
Step 4: Share Your Life. Excessively.
Invite your significant other to stay over. Permanently. They don’t pay rent, but they sure do eat like they do. Bonus if they leave their toothbrush next to your roommate’s — nothing says “boundaries” like forced intimacy.
Step 5: Master the Thermostat Wars.
Keep the apartment at one of two settings: Arctic Tundra or Sahara Heatwave. Don’t communicate. Just make passive adjustments until someone snaps.
Step 6: Be Financially Creative.
Forget to Venmo the utilities “just this month” — every month. When confronted, act deeply offended they would even bring it up. Money talk? So tacky.
Step 7: Leave Subtle Hints of Your Greatness.
Hair in the drain. Half-eaten sandwiches in the fridge. A trail of socks like bread crumbs to your room. You’re not messy — you’re present.
Look, living with someone is about balance — your mess, their patience, and how long it takes before one of you “mysteriously” finds a new lease.
So be the roommate they’ll never forget… mostly because they’ll still be telling stories about you at every dinner party for the next decade.
– Uncle Bobby