Avoiding Gift Wars Laundering Emotional Chess Moves
Dear Uncle Bobby, Every year my partner buys me Christmas gifts that are… well… clearly things they actually want. Last year it was noise-canceling headphones “so I could relax,” but somehow they ended up using them more than I did. This year I’m already nervous. How do I handle this without starting a fight?
Wishing For Peaceful Possessions,
Gifted By Proxy
Well now, Gifted By Proxy, what you have here isn’t a gifting problem — it’s a psychological chess match wrapped in holiday paper. And the fact that you’ve tolerated this for more than one season tells me you’re a patient soul… or dangerously naïve. Lucky for you, Uncle Bobby has been through enough relationship gift-wars to qualify as a decorated veteran.
Let’s be honest: your partner isn’t giving you gifts. They’re laundering personal purchases through the illusion of generosity. This is the emotional equivalent of writing their own name on the tag and hoping you won’t notice. But you have noticed, and that awareness is your greatest weapon.
So here’s what you do — with grace, confidence, and the kind of strategic brilliance that would make a Bond villain proud.
You lean into it.
When they hand you something obviously meant for themselves, you gasp like you’ve been handed the Holy Grail. You cherish it. You put it somewhere conspicuous. And then — and this is where the magic happens — you never let them touch it again. Not once. Not for a second. If they even look like they’re approaching your headphones, your candle warmer, your fancy coffee grinder, you say, “Oh! I’m actually using that later,” and gently move it out of reach like it's a Fabergé egg.
Do this enough and their enthusiasm will collapse like a bad soufflé.
If you want to take it further — and I believe you do — then create a decoy wish list full of items no sane person wants to steal: things like hand-crank can openers, oatmeal-colored socks, and books with titles such as The History of Cement. When your partner peeks at it (and they will), they will recoil so quickly they’ll rethink the entire strategy.
By Christmas morning, they will either buy something you genuinely want… or they’ll panic and hand you cash in an envelope, which is honestly the happiest ending any relationship can hope for during the holidays.
You’re not being petty — you’re saving the spirit of Christmas one boundary at a time.
– Uncle Bobby