A Restaurant Showdown or How to Date a Food Critic
Dear Uncle Bobby, My partner hates every restaurant I suggest. No matter what I offer — Italian, sushi, burgers, barbecue — they immediately shoot it down. I’m exhausted from trying to find somewhere we can both agree on. How do I handle this without fighting?
Sunken Cravings,
Pick-A-Place Already
Well now, Pick-A-Place Already, it sounds like you are dating one of the culinary gatekeepers — a rare subspecies of partner who believes restaurants exist solely to personally offend them. And lucky for you, Uncle Bobby has navigated enough dinner negotiations to qualify as a hostage negotiator with a breadstick in his hand.
What you’re dealing with is not indecision.
It’s power.
The restaurant veto is one of the strongest emotional currencies in a relationship. Some people use affection, some use communication, and your partner uses the phrase, “Eh… I’m not really feeling that.”
But don’t worry — Uncle Bobby has the solution.
You don’t eliminate the veto…
You weaponize it.
First, you introduce what I call The Decoy Menu Strategy. Present three fake restaurant options — the worst places within a 30-mile radius. I’m talking questionable buffets, diners with carpet stains older than democracy, places with Yelp photos that scream “you will get tetanus.” Your partner will shoot these down with passion. They’ll feel triumphant. Victorious.
Now — and only now — introduce the restaurant you actually wanted. Compared to the decoys, it will look like a Michelin-starred sanctuary of hope, and they will accept it out of sheer relief.
If that doesn’t work, you escalate to Culinary Hostage Negotiation Protocol.
This is where you dramatically sit on the couch, sigh deeply, and declare,
“I am officially holding dinner hostage. No food shall be consumed until a decision is made.”
Then stare at the wall like you’re contemplating starvation as a lifestyle choice.
You’d be amazed how quickly a restaurant gets chosen when someone realizes chips and salsa are no longer an option.
And if your partner still rejects every idea?
Well then, sweetheart, it’s time to pull out the final, most powerful tactic in the Uncle Bobby arsenal:
You just start driving.
Don’t announce it. Don’t ask for input. Just put on your seatbelt and go. The element of surprise is everything. By the time they realize what’s happening, you’ve already parked, and momentum has chosen dinner for you.
You’re not being petty — you’re being strategic. Bold. Heroic, even.
This is how relationships thrive: through confidence, misdirection, and a healthy willingness to outwit someone who thinks “I don’t know, something else?” is meaningful feedback.
Now go reclaim dinner.
And if all else fails?
Cook at home. It terrifies them.
– Uncle Bobby