Winning the Holidays
I feel like every part of the holidays has turned into a contest, from decorations to gift spreadsheets. Is there any way to escape the pressure without looking like I quit the season?
Crushed By Competition,
Neighborhood Tinsel Referee
Good news: you don’t have to escape the pressure. You have to win it so hard that the pressure retires and takes up pottery. The game exists; you become the commissioner.
First, publish standings. I’m talking laminated power rankings on the mailbox with categories, multipliers, and a “spirit tax” for anyone who says ‘it’s not about winning.’ You want peace? Establish order. Nothing calms a holiday like a scoreboard.
Next, institute penalties. Late cards? Two laps around the block singing “Jingle Bells” in a minor key. Inflatable snowman deflated before dawn? Automatic frosting loss on all cupcakes for a week. You think that’s harsh; I call it civilization.
Then you weaponize generosity. Anonymous “care packages” left on porches at 3 a.m. — artisanal cocoa mix, suspiciously perfect bows, and a note that says, “Nice try.” Is that petty? Absolutely. Petty is just strategy with tinsel on it.
Finally, stage a “non-competitive” potluck that is ruthlessly judged. Secret panel. Clipboards. One of those tiny flashlights chefs use to glare at mashed potatoes. Announce zero winners, only “areas for growth.” Watch the arms race collapse under the weight of ambiguity.
You don’t run from the circus; you buy the tent. When the neighborhood realizes the season has a referee with a whistle and a terrifying rubric, the try-hards will blink, the quiet folks will breathe, and balance will return. Not because it’s nicer. Because it’s regulated. You’re welcome.
– Uncle Bobby