Wellness Journey: Dodging Salad Sabotage in the Office, Uncle Bobby's Guide
Uncle Bobby –
I recently started a new job, and every day at lunch, my coworkers invite me out to some trendy salad bar or vegan café. The problem is, I hate salads, and tofu tastes like wet cardboard. How do I politely decline their invitations without looking like the office outcast, or worse — like someone who doesn’t care about their “wellness journey”?
Lost at Lunchtime
Ah, Lost at Lunchtime, you’ve found yourself in the ultimate workplace dilemma: the peer pressure of salad. It’s like high school all over again, except instead of cool kids daring you to break the rules, it’s Karen from accounting guilt-tripping you into eating quinoa.
You, my friend, are a beacon of common sense in a sea of kale smoothies.
So how do you escape this leafy green nightmare without being labeled the office Neanderthal? Simple. You’ve got to play the game. The next time they invite you to the Tofu Temple or Salad Sanctuary, just smile and say, “I’m on a very specific wellness journey myself, but it involves protein in quantities that would make you uncomfortable.” Then head off to the nearest greasy spoon for a real meal. They’ll be too confused to ask any follow-up questions.
Alternatively, you could go with a more dramatic approach. The next time they offer you a bite of their avocado-toast masterpiece, clutch your stomach and moan, “I’d love to, but I’ve recently developed a severe allergy to joy.” If they don’t get the hint, nothing will.
If you’re really stuck and can’t escape, just show up with a lunch of your own — something loud and proud. I’m talking about an old-school lunchbox, filled with a sandwich that doesn’t even know what gluten-free means. Every time you take a bite, sigh contentedly and say, “Mmm, wellness,” while making aggressive eye contact. Trust me, they’ll either accept you as their carnivorous overlord or leave you alone forever.
In the end, Lost, remember this: you weren’t put on this Earth to eat like a rabbit in the name of “team bonding.” Stand firm, and when they’re debating the merits of chia seeds, you’ll be happily munching on something with actual flavor. So chin up, fork down, and don’t let the salad squad get you down.
Now, excuse me while I enjoy my wellness journey — also known as a hot dog.
– Uncle Bobby