Three Years and Counting: How to Dodge Commitment Like a Pro
Uncle Bobby –
Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years, and she’s started dropping hints about getting engaged. The thing is, I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment yet. I don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to rush into something I’m not 100% certain about. What should I do?Confused in Crestview
Three years, and she’s just now dropping hints about getting engaged? I’d say you’ve been doing a stellar job of dodging that bullet so far! But if you’re not ready to make a lifelong commitment, it’s time to crank up the avoidance tactics. First, stop doing anything that resembles effort. Ditch the razor, embrace the unwashed hair look, and swap out those nice date-night outfits for your oldest, most questionable sweatpants. Nothing says “I’m not ready for commitment” like showing up to a dinner date looking like you’ve just rolled out of bed…because you did.
Next, start forgetting important dates—birthdays, anniversaries, you name it. When she brings it up, just shrug and say,”Oh, was that today?” Extra points if you’re saying this while playing video games or watching sports.
You should also make sure every conversation about the future becomes as vague and non-committal as possible. If she asks where you see yourselves in five years, just give a deep, thoughtful sigh and say something cryptic like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about backpacking through Nepal. Alone.”
Oh, and when it comes to date nights, always “forget” your wallet at home. You wouldn’t want to set a precedent of being responsible, now would you?
Finally, if she really pushes the engagement issue, lean into the “I need to find myself” excuse. Start talking about how you’re “exploring your inner world” or “trying to understand your own cosmic journey.” Make sure you say it with a straight face while staring off into the distance like you’re contemplating the meaning of life.
Trust me, if you follow these steps, one of two things will happen: she’ll either decide you’re a 'work in progress' that she’s not interested in fixing, or you’ll become such a confusing enigma that she’ll lose interest altogether. Either way, you get to keep avoiding that big, scary 'C' word: commitment. Problem solved, my friend
– Uncle Bobby