The Ultimate Guide to Living Beyond Cleanliness
Uncle Bobby –
Dear Uncle Bobby, I feel like I’m constantly falling behind on housework. The dishes pile up, the laundry multiplies overnight, and every time I clean something, three new messes appear. I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to catch up. Do you have any advice?
Drowning in Dust Bunnies
Oh, sweet child of domestic despair — let me share with you the sacred scrolls of self-preservation, known formally as the Ultimate Do-It-Yourself Guide to Avoiding Housework.
Step one: Acceptance. You must first acknowledge that your home is no longer a place of order and civility, but rather a wild, living art installation entitled “Entropy: A Journey.” That pile of laundry? That’s texture. Those dishes? A still-life. You don’t have mess — you have ambience.
Step two: Redefine productivity. Who says vacuuming makes you a better human? Try this instead: take your vacuum out of the closet, set it in the hallway, and call it “symbolic progress.” Bonus points if it blocks a door you didn’t want to deal with anyway.
Step three: Camouflage the chaos. Throw a throw blanket over that pile of unfolded clothes. Light a candle and call it intentional clutter. Hang a motivational sign that says “Live Laugh Laundry” and feel smug even if you’ve been wearing mismatched socks for two weeks.
Step four: Outsource with flair. Why scrub toilets when you can declare yourself a big-picture visionary? Hire someone to do the dirty work, then supervise from the couch with a clipboard and a robe. You’re not lazy — you’re delegating.
Step five: Rebrand filth. Dust is not failure. Dust is history. That ring in the bathtub? A mark of experience. Your oven? A time capsule. Housework isn’t behind — you’re just marinating in memories.
And finally, step six: Inspire others to lower the bar. Post pictures of your glorious disaster online and caption them with things like “Home is where the socks stick to the floor.” You’ll be a trendsetter. A guru. The Marie Kondo of giving up.
So don’t stress. Your home may not sparkle, but it radiates personality. And possibly spores. But mostly personality.
You’re not failing at housework — you’re just living beyond the reach of traditional cleanliness. And that, my friend, is a vibe.
– Uncle Bobby