The Sleep Diet: A Lazy Person's Dream
Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve tried keto, paleo, intermittent fasting — you name it. But between rising grocery prices, boring takeout, and the stress of meal planning, I’m just over it. Is there any new diet trend I can try that doesn’t involve cooking, shopping, or even thinking?
Dozing Off Debbie
Oh Debbie, bless your carb-deprived little heart. You don’t need keto, you don’t need paleo — you need the revolutionary new lifestyle sweeping absolutely no medical journals anywhere: the Sleep Diet. That’s right. When you’re asleep, you’re not eating. Calories? Zero. Grocery bill? Nothing. Stress about meal prep? Gone. It’s the lazy person’s dream and the nutritionist’s nightmare.
Think about it — you’re broke, exhausted, and sick of paying twelve bucks for a bag of grapes. Why torture yourself with kale smoothies when you can just crawl into bed and call it “fasting”? Forget portion control. Your portions are “pillow” and “blanket.” No more wondering what’s for dinner. Dinner is REM sleep, baby.
And the best part? You’ll wake up thinner simply because you’re too tired to make bad decisions. You can’t eat a whole pizza in your sleep — unless you’re a sleepwalker, and in that case, congratulations, you just invented cardio.
People spend hundreds on fad diets, detox teas, and meal kits that taste like sadness. But the Sleep Diet? Free. Effective. And best of all, you don’t have to talk to a single gym bro about macros. Just hit snooze and let your bank account recover while your body slowly disintegrates into a half-dreaming state of hunger-induced hallucinations.
Now sure, the less adventurous option would be, oh I don’t know, moderation. But where’s the fun in that? Moderation doesn’t get you Instagram followers. Sleeping eighteen hours a day and calling it “wellness”? That’s influencer material.
So, Debbie, ditch the kale chips. Embrace the nap. Let your midsection deflate as your mattress absorbs your will to live. Because in today’s economy, being broke is the most effective weight-loss program you’ll ever find.
— Uncle Bobby