Embracing Disaster: Uncle Bobbys Hilarious Guide to the Chaos Method of Adulting
Dear Uncle Bobby,
I’ve been meaning to get more organized and make better use of my time, but I keep slipping back into old routines. Do you have any advice?
Forever Procrastinating,,
Absolutely. The key to building better habits is simple: Stop trying to improve. Seriously. All that “spring forward, fresh start” stuff? It’s a trap. The more you try to better yourself, the more disappointed you’ll be when you inevitably end up in sweatpants at 2 p.m. watching conspiracy documentaries narrated by people named Chad.
No—if you want real progress, you need to embrace The Chaos Method. Here’s how it works:
- Throw out your planner. Calendars are lies created by the greeting card industry to sell more motivational stickers. If something’s important, it’ll find you. Probably in the form of a missed deadline.
- Replace your morning routine with complete randomness. Wake up whenever your body decides. Eat cold pizza. Shave only one side of your face. This keeps your enemies (and coworkers) guessing.
- Declare every minor task a “major win.” Did you answer one email? You’re a productivity icon. Put pants on before noon? Nobel-worthy.
- Install a fog machine in your living room. This has nothing to do with habits, it just makes everything feel more important.
And finally, whenever someone suggests something like “habit stacking” or “incremental growth,” just stare at them and say, “Oh, you still live in linear time?” Then vanish into a cloud of glitter (optional).
In summary: if you can’t be better, just be weirder. That way, no one knows if you’re failing or doing performance art.
– Uncle Bobby