Surviving Snack Apocalypse: Your Secret Guide to Outsmarting a Health Kick
Uncle Bobby –
My spouse has suddenly gone on a health kick and decided to toss all the junk food in the house. Chips, cookies, soda — gone. They say it’s for “both of us,” but I didn’t sign up for this! How do I survive this snack apocalypse?Snacks Under Siege
Ah, Snacks, welcome to the dark side of marital compromise: the part where you find yourself eating kale chips and drinking green juice while silently mourning your beloved Doritos. It’s not just a health kick — it’s a hostile takeover of your snack stash. And honestly, I’m not sure whether to offer you a plan of escape or a moment of silence for your lost junk food.
Now, let’s get real. Surviving this situation means playing it smart. First, establish a secret stash. Find a place your spouse would never look — like the toolbox, the back of your sock drawer, or behind the quinoa in the pantry. Bonus points if you decoy the hiding spot with something unappealing, like a bag of chia seeds.
Next, make yourself the household junk food smuggler. Strategically slip candy bars into your pockets during grocery runs and sneak them into the house like you’re part of an underground snack cartel. If your spouse questions why you’re lingering in the car, just say you’re “practicing mindfulness” and definitely not inhaling a bag of gummy bears.
If you’re feeling bold, stage a snack intervention. Sit your spouse down and explain the importance of “balance” — like balancing a slice of pizza in one hand with a diet soda in the other. You could even try reasoning with them by pointing out that kale may be good for the body, but Cheetos are good for the soul. Who can argue with that?
And if all else fails, become the world’s most passive-aggressive shopper. Start sneaking slightly less healthy items into the cart — first the low-fat cookies, then the baked chips, and eventually full-blown snack cakes. By the time they notice, you’ll be eating nachos on the couch and calling it a victory for democracy.
In the end, Snacks, remember that this is just a phase. Health kicks come and go, but the love of junk food is eternal. So stock up, snack wisely, and keep the dream alive — one hidden candy bar at a time.
– Uncle Bobby