Should I trade my raise for a fancier title

My new coworker is 25 and her email signature says "Head of Growth." Our team is four people. Last month somebody in accounting became "Chief Vibes Officer." I've been doing the same job for eleven years and I'm still a "Senior Coordinator." Should I just ask for a better title instead of a raise?

Fuming Over Pretend Titles,
Senior Coordinator of Nothing

Absolutely not. And the fact that you’re even considering it is exactly what they’re counting on.

Let me explain something about titles. A title is the cheapest thing a company owns. It costs nothing to print. It costs nothing to change. It doesn’t touch the budget, the payroll or the bottom line. You know what else costs nothing? A gold star sticker. That’s what “Head of Growth” is on a team of four: a sticker, laminated, stuck to an email signature.

That’s why they hand them out like candy. Every new title is a raise somebody didn’t have to pay for. Someone asked for more money and walked out of the room with more words instead. “Chief Vibes Officer” is not a promotion. It’s a coupon for nothing.

And don’t be mad at the twenty-five-year-old. She didn’t invent this. She was offered a fancy title instead of a real salary, and she took it, because nobody told her the trick. Somebody should have. Maybe that somebody is you, someday, over a coffee.

Now. Eleven years. Same job. Still “Senior Coordinator.” Here’s the harsh truth: the title isn’t the problem. The title is the receipt. It’s telling you exactly how much they’ve decided to invest in you, and it’s been telling you for a while.

So you walk in and you ask for the thing that has a number on it. Money. Not a new name, not a new box on the org chart, not a “Lead” stuck in front of what you already do. Money. And if they come back offering a title instead, you smile and ask one question: “And what does it pay?” Then you stop talking and let them sit in it.

If the answer is nothing, take the title anyway. Take the biggest one they’ll give you. Make it ridiculous. Because there’s exactly one thing a free title is good for, and that’s the next résumé. “Director of Operations” looks a lot better to the company across the street than “Senior Coordinator” does, and that’s the company that will actually pay you for it.

Which is the whole joke. They gave you the title so you’d stay. You use it to leave.

– Uncle Bobby