Should I Break Up with My Diet or Embrace My Emotional Support Weight?
Dear Uncle Bobby –
I’ve been trying to lose weight for the past year, but every time I start a diet, I find myself binge-eating junk food by the end of the week. I’ve tried everything: keto, paleo, even that juice cleanse where you only drink air for 12 days. Nothing sticks! Should I just accept that I’ll be friends with this extra 20 pounds forever?Disgruntled in DeFuniak Springs
Ah, yes. The eternal struggle between you and the snack aisle. You’ve tried every diet under the sun, and yet somehow that bag of chips still has more emotional pull than your treadmill. It’s like your body and junk food have some secret romance going on, and you’re just the third wheel. But hey, who needs self-control when you’ve got Doritos?
First off, congratulations on the dieting! That’s the fun part, right? Telling everyone you’re on keto while secretly eyeing a doughnut like it’s your long-lost soulmate. You’ve bravely joined the ranks of people who pretend carbs are the enemy until they catch you in a dark alley with a loaf of bread.
Now, about accepting those 20 pounds — I think you’ve stumbled upon the real secret here. You see, life is all about balance. And by “balance,” I mean balancing that kale smoothie in one hand and a box of cookies in the other. Look, dieting is just one of those things we tell ourselves we’re doing to improve our lives, but really, it’s about having a great excuse to complain while still eating like it’s a holiday every weekend.
You could keep trying, I guess. Maybe throw yourself into another trendy fad — how about the “Eat Whatever’s on Sale at Costco” diet? That’ll really keep things fresh. Or you could embrace the extra weight like an old friend. Those 20 pounds aren’t going anywhere, so why not make them feel welcome? Call it “emotional support weight.” Who needs a therapist when you’ve got a pizza that understands your soul?
In the end, Disgruntled, diets are just a suggestion, much like speed limits or those “don’t touch” signs at museums. You can follow them if you want, but where’s the fun in that? So, keep “dieting” as long as it gives you something to blame for why your pants won’t button. Otherwise, maybe it’s time to accept that the only six-pack in your future is the one sitting in your fridge. Cheers to that!
– Uncle Bobby