Uncle Bobbys Snarky Survival Guide to Self-Checkout Problems: Conquer or Be Conquered!
Dear Uncle Bobby, Why is it that every time I use self-checkout, it turns into a disaster? Either the machine won’t scan my items, the bagging area accuses me of theft, or I end up needing help from the one employee who’s already juggling five other people’s problems. Should I just give up and wait in line like a normal person?
Forever Fighting with Technology,,
Scanned and Defeated
Oh, Scanned, I’m so glad you brought this up because self-checkout is the single greatest scam in modern history. You think it’s there to make shopping easier? Faster? No, no. Self-checkout exists to break your spirit.
Think about it—stores used to have actual cashiers doing this job. Trained professionals. But one day, some corporate mastermind said, “Hey, what if we made customers do the work for free, turned the machines against them, and called it progress?” And somehow, we fell for it.
The whole thing is designed to fail. The scanner refuses to recognize barcodes. The bagging area throws a fit if you even think about placing an item down wrong. And heaven help you if you try to buy alcohol. That’s an automatic five-minute timeout while some frazzled employee speed-walks from the other side of the store to press a button.
But the best part? The machine has the audacity to talk to you.
“Please place the item in the bagging area.” I did.
“Unexpected item detected.” It’s a loaf of bread, Susan. Calm down.
“Please wait for assistance.” Fantastic. Now I get to stand here like a criminal while the person behind me sighs loudly.
And don’t even think about trying to scan produce. You want to enter a code for bananas? Good luck. You’re now trapped in a digital labyrinth of unlabeled vegetables, desperately scrolling through 300 different types of lettuce while the screen glares at you like you’ve made a terrible mistake.
So, should you just wait in line like a normal person? Absolutely not. What kind of quitter mentality is that? You fight that machine. You stare into its lifeless robotic soul and refuse to let it win.
Sure, you may leave the store defeated, humiliated, and questioning all of your life choices, but that’s the price of progress.
Good luck, and remember—if the machine accuses you of theft, just look confused and blame the bagging area. That’s what it’s there for.
– Uncle Bobby