Times Cruel Joke: Why Running Late is Inevitable, According to Uncle Bobby
Dear Uncle Bobby, Why is it that no matter how early I start getting ready, I’m still somehow late? I plan ahead, I set alarms, I give myself extra time—and yet, I always end up scrambling at the last second. What am I doing wrong?
Time-Warped and Tardy,,
Perpetually Running Late
Oh, Perpetually Late, you sweet, misguided fool. You think time is real? You think getting ready “early” means you’ll be on time? Oh no, my friend—you are up against forces far beyond your control.
See, time isn’t linear. It’s a warped, malevolent beast that specifically hates you. The moment you start moving toward the door, physics itself shifts to slow you down.
At first, you’re feeling good. Confident. You’re ahead of schedule. And then—chaos.
- The Mystery Delay: Where did your keys go? They were right there. Now they’re gone. They have ceased to exist. You will find them later, in a place you definitely didn’t put them.
- The Last-Minute Crisis: You were fine all morning, but now? Suddenly, your shoe is missing. Your phone is at 4% battery. You somehow spilled something on yourself even though you haven’t eaten yet.
- The Black Hole of Distraction: You could leave on time, but oh, wait—what’s that on the counter? A random receipt from 2018? Well, guess what, you now have a deep, urgent need to examine it.
And then, the worst delay of all—the false sense of control. You check the time. You’re running late, but only by a few minutes. You convince yourself, “It’s fine, I’ll make up time on the drive.”
WRONG.
The moment you step outside? Traffic. Red lights. That one person driving 15 mph in a 45. You are now trapped in the universe’s punishment zone for believing you had power over time.
So what’s the solution? Oh, there isn’t one. The system is rigged. You can try waking up earlier, planning better, or selling your soul to the gods of punctuality, but it won’t matter. You will still be late.
Your best bet? Just embrace it. Walk in confidently like you meant to be late. Carry a coffee and nod like you’re in charge. If anyone questions you, simply reply, “Had to put out a few fires this morning” and refuse to elaborate.
Good luck, Perpetually Late. And remember—next time, just leave earlier. HAHAHA. Just kidding. That never works.
– Uncle Bobby